PRESIDENT BUSH RECOUNTS MYRIAD LESSONS AND HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS ORIENTAL TOUR
Press Briefing by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Bush and I returned from our intensely meaningful vacation to the Oriental nations. Today, looking back on the agonizingly long 95 hours, 36 minutes, and 23 seconds we were required to fraternize with dwarfish, funny-talking mathletes, we are nevertheless invigorated and hopeful. And so this morning, I’d like to share some of the highlights and lessons of our profoundly historic Far East journey.
You know, first and foremost, I find myself invigorated by this trip for the same reason I am by all my trips to inferior corners of the earth - because it reaffirms the fundamental truism that serves as the basis for my personal philosophy: multi-millionaire white Christian males have the world by the nutsack. You should have seen those squirrely litle yellow folks falling over their bamboo slippers to impress me! Now whether it was the billions in American corporate investment I represent, or the omnipresent spectre of A-130 gunships raining fiery lead down on their tiny flat heads that earned their respect, I don’t know. It sure wasn’t anything I said. Who knows. Maybe Asia isn’t quite so backwards as country club wisdom says, after all.
The first stop on my tour was to the adorable nation of Japan. The Japanese people are a fine people ?they invented Hello Kitty, California rolls, and radiation sickness. Also, I’m told they are an important ally - despite the fact that their so-called country isn’t much bigger than a Corpus Christi hodown.
Did you read about how the Yen plummeted after I said something about currency? Let’s be honest and talk plainly ?is there really a difference between devaluation and deflation? They both mean “Money Bad Time.“ I mean, come on. It’s a damned good thing I didn’t say “LOOK OUT! GODZILLA COMING - AND HE VERY ANGRY!“ Whole damn country would have broken out their little toy tanks and rocket launchers!
I also visited South Korea, and I am happy to report that I stared into the evil, evil, EVIL country of North Korea and dared them to start something. But they didn’t. I read somewhere that North Korea doesn’t have ONE American food franchise. No Applebies, or Red Lobsters, or even Taco Bells. How evil is that? Seems some South Korean spazz-o peaceniks were still riled up about my State of the Union speech though, so I took a few minutes to tell them about the Pentagon’s current version of reality, which says that we are NOT going to invade North Korea. Fortuantely, they bought it. Truth is, we’re going to start dropping fistsful of shrapnel up those Commie, stick-eating fruicakes’ gook asses any day now. (Applause.)